I really meant to blog before now. I wanted (needed) to but everything I would have written about would have been sad and I hate being the Debbie Downer. I admit to being in my pity pool (there was no maybe about it) and soaking for a bit. I won’t re-hash the events that happened because some of them are very personal, but I will say that my daughter and I have been going through some “growing pains” lately. She and I both deal with our feelings differently and we have had some sad issues to deal with in the past few months.
Those of you who know me, know that my feelings are all out there. For those of you that dont… I don’t like conflict, don’t like to argue, don’t like to be mad, upset or at odds with anyone…much less my children, and I believe you can eliminate most of that stuff with communication…which requires talking it out. My daughter, on the other hand, is totally opposite. She keeps those feelings inside and it takes her some time to sort through them, deal with them, get a hold of them. She can only process so much negativity, so much sadness before she just shuts down. Of course, this causes some trouble when I think talking about it will help and she doesn’t want to talk.
So recently…like 3 weeks ago, we went through the final stages of actually ending a long relationship. I say “we” because it is a “we.” When you have had someone in your life for almost 6 yrs. it becomes a family affair. And I want to be clear…just because my daughter and this young man are not together any longer, does not change my feelings for him. I still love him dearly and wish him every happiness that life has to bestow…almost as much as I wish it for daughter. It was during this time, that Kaylee and I had a growth spurt. I had to let go (which I totally suck at) and take a step back to let her stand on her own. She wanted to and needed to. What was hard for me was I was feeling like she didn’t need me and I couldn’t understand that at all. But God so perfectly pulls all the loose ends together and if you can manage to hang with Him through the rough times, the lesson is revealed. I needed her to stand on her own too.
I have been wondering who the heck I am for several months now. Nothing was more revealing than that AHA moment in the dr. office when he asked about my hobbies (I really am that boring). I always joke that I have been carrying around the scissors to cut the cord in my pocket but could not bring myself to do it. Imagine my shock when I looked up and saw my daughter holding the scissors. It did hurt. I did run and jump in my pity pool. I stayed there awhile…many days…until I was pruney and pity-logged. But I did step out…with help from God and my good friends…I dried off with the towel of faith. It is time to let go.
Every mom goes through stuff with their kids. It’s very hard being mom…it’s like your heart is walking around outside your body. And while I’m sure that you never stop being a mother, there comes a time, when the job description gets altered.
God gave me this beautiful gift those 3 weeks ago. He gave me MY LIFE back. He said it’s ok to focus on ME and the things I like to do. It’s ok to plan time with friends, dates with my husband, book up my weekends. It’s ok to let them figure it out on their own. I don’t have to fix everything for them. I’m working every day on accepting the gift.
This is where I have been lately and this is where I’m going…I’m looking for me. I’m on a journey and I’m right on time.