I had a revelation this past week and while enlightening, it was sad. Very sad.
For a woman who doesn’t want to be defined by numbers, I am a woman consumed by them. I am guilt-ridden by the number on the scale and frighten when it’s higher than it was the week before. I live and die by the weekly sales numbers…which is the life of any person in sales! How old I am, the number of lines around my eyes, the number of good friends I have, the dollars in my savings account-all are numbers that are defining me-as much as I hate it.
What I want most from all those numbers is to be ok with them…whatever they are. To be truly ok with them. That’s a hard thing to do. It means more letting go-of the guilt, the mistakes, of the “what ifs”, of the “could of’s” and “should of’s”. And that is a daily, sometimes hourly task.
None of those numbers determine the value of life. And I know that. So I’m not sure how I got to this place where the numbers seem to be so important. I do remember living in times when they did not matter to me and I was so very comfortable in my own skin and where I was at in life. But life changes. And we change. And we grow. And when we do we have these things called “growing pains.” And I think that is what I’m experiencing.
Since I began this blog over a year ago now, I have been on a journey. And I have found many of the things I was searching for…things that don’t have numbers attached to them. Like forgiveness, bliss, acceptance, and buried dreams. All things I likely need to get where I’m going. You may say “where ARE you going?” And I will tell you…I don’t know yet. I still don’t know. I’m still on this journey…and you know what? There is no map. No numbers to define where I’m at, which direction I should go or who I am.
Getting caught up in numbers is not only a sad thing, it’s no way to live. The one thing I know for sure that another day is not ever guaranteed and I don’t want to spend one more day letting myself be decieved by numbers. Here, today…right this minute at 5:31 p.m. on Sunday, Oct. 21, 2012…I will define myself by the things that are the most important to me. Hope, love and my faith. I release those numbers…for that is all they are…just numbers. I cannot hold them in my hand or my heart.
This is just another stop on my journey. It’s a fabulous life. Every day. No numbers needed.